21. The letter

 

107.…just like that.

 

 

 

 

108.

I want to tell you a secret. But first I’m gonna tell you why. Because a secret’s just a lie with a different name, and I’ve lived a lie. I know the pain and damage that can be caused through hiding the truth. You see secrets are dangerous things. Even when you think you’re doing it for the right reasons to protect someone you care about, secrets can pull you apart, and then you can never forget the look of disappointment, the betrayal in the eyes of someone you love. Or the feeling that no matter what the motive the depth of that hurt will never go away. You don’t know the impact of a secret until it’s too late, how far the fallout will carry, how many casualties there’ll be. Or even recognising how a secret can infect you, what you say, what you think until it’s almost too late, right up to the point where you have to ask “Who am I?” Well, that one’s simple. I’m the boy that’s sleeping with your son. I love Craig which is why I can forgive him for hurting Sarah, and I’m pretty certain he loves me too. I’m sorry that this is how you had to hear about me, that your precious son hasn’t got the guts to tell you himself, that he’s part of a world you wish didn’t exist but, well, that’s the thing about secrets. Once out they can change everything just like that.”

109.

110.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

gnosis – jamessuttonfan forum – 25 august 2007

 

The Tragedy Of Secrets

 

Prologue:

 

“I wanna tell you a secret. But first I’m gonna tell you why. Because a secret’s just a lie with a different name, and I’ve lived a lie. I know the pain and damage that can be caused through hiding the truth. You see secrets are dangerous things. Even when you think you’re doing it for the right reasons, to protect someone you care about, secrets can pull you apart, and then you can never forget the look of disappointment, the betrayal in the eyes of someone you love. Or the feeling that no matter what the motive, the depth of that hurt will never go away. You don’t know the impact of a secret until it’s too late, how far the fallout will carry, how many casualties there’ll be. Or even recognising how a secret can infect you, what you say, what you think until it’s almost too late, right up to the point where you have to ask “Who am I?…”

 

From JP’s Letter to Craig’s Mom — soon retrieved w/o harm.

 

—————————————————–
This is a post about the tragedy of secrets in the lives of John Paul McQueen and Craig Dean — two young men very much in love with each other.

 

This is not a post about that part of the secret internal lives of JP and Craig that is more loving, tender, erotic, and harmonious. That’s for another post.

 

Thus this post is not meant to convey, in and of itself, that in the lives of John Paul and Craig, there “never was a story of more woe.”
—————————————————–
We all know that John Paul McQueen used to have a secret, but hesitantly at first, and then with increased resolve, JP finally revealed this hidden part of himself — only to then have to take on, however reluctantly, the secret that Craig was hiding.

 

John Paul’s secret was, as we know, he’s gay. In fits and starts, JP finally admitted to the world that he probably always was attracted to other boys, but not before hurting someone he really cared about.

 

JP’s secret resulted in the betrayal of Hannah, his first “girlfriend.”

 

Hannah, unfortunately, as we are all aware, really thought that JP loved her, and therefore wanted to develop an intimate relationship with JP — only to discover that not only didn’t he love her, he in fact loved his best male friend.

 

The consequences of JP’s secret on Hannah — the fallout — are still being felt by her. Hannah, in the most literal sense of the word, has become a casualty, at least in part, of JP’s secret.

 

Not soon after JP came out, JP was lucky enough to meet and start dating a DJ at the Dog named Spike. Spike proved to be, from the beginning, sensitive, loyal, and loving toward JP. In fact, Spike became smitten with JP. JP had similar, but more restrained feelings, toward Spike.

 

Unfortunately for Spike, his relationship with JP had barely gotten off the ground, when Craig entered the picture, in a most unexpected way.

 

The by now familiar story of JPs confession of love to Craig at Hannah’s birthday party; Craig’s standoffishness; the kiss by a drunken Craig at the dance-off; Craig’s subsquent hostility toward JP; Craig’s and JPs reconciliation — are all examples of a tumultuous friendship, tinged with more than a whiff of erotic feelings toward one another.

 

Except for the dance-off kiss, this sublimated/repressed eroticism had been held in check, more or less. But JP’s budding relationship with Spike proved to be the catalyst for an explosive erotic and sexual eruption on the part of a jealous Craig.

 

Craig’s storming out his exam to find out from JP whether he still loved Craig — in a most touching, poignant, and urgent way — was the, perhaps not too surprising, progression of an emotionally intimate, trusting, loving friendship. And the fact that Craig was willing to now take their friendship to an erotic/sexual level was the ultimate expression of that progression.

 

Craig’s unanticipated feelings gave JP, finally, probably for the first time in his life, the beginnings of a certain sense of completeness, of wholeness — to have his best mate, his best friend, now become his intimate lover. But Craig’s reciprocal feelings toward JP came with a price. And, as we have seen over and over again, since Craig first said to JP, “I want you,” that price was secrecy. The secrecy of this relationship, right from the beginning, was already going to have many unintended, negative consequences.

 

For JP, the first negative consequence of a secret affair with Craig was that JP was now being deceitful to Spike. JP was now becoming increasingly distant from Spike, until finally their relationship ended. As it happens, and as we now all know, it would only be much later that Spike was to find out on his own that JP and Craig were invoved in an intimate sexual relationship.

 

But unlike Hannah, Spike was not going to be a casualty, at least not in the same way as Hannah. But there’s no question that Spike felt hurt, disappointed, and perhaps even somewhat betrayed, when he finally found out that JP was having an intimate relationship with Craig. Nonetheless, Spike would prove to be JP’s most loyal and supporting friend when JP asked him to keep JP’s and Craig’s secret — despite still having deep emotional and erotic feelings toward JP.

 

JP’s reluctant willingness to conspire in keeping Craig’s secret was not only causing pain and damage to Spike, it was also, not surprisingly, causing enormous damage to his secret relationship with Craig, and to himself — so much so that it caused JP, at one point in their relationship, to yell out: “Look what you turned me into. I’m actin like one of my sisters — yellin, shoutin, wantin revenge. Craig, I just want to get back to bein me. All right. I had enough. I had enough.”

 

The tragedy of keeping his relationship with Craig a secret was leading JP to a point where JP was no longer “recognising how a secret can infect you, what you say, what you think until it’s almost too late, right up to the point where you have to ask “Who am I?” JP’s telling Spike that he, in effect, knew that he was Craig’s bit on the side; he knew that Craig and Sarah were going to Dublin together; that he was willing to settle for the few remaining weeks that Craig was still in HO, in a secret relationship; that he was so willing to keep Craig’s secret, and protect him, that he would not only lie to Sarah (another casualty, of more, later) about his and Craig’s relationship, he would, in the process, be a participant in sabotaging his own relationship with Craig — all this to keep Craig’s secret — are all examples of JP, in this instance, not only lying to Spike, but as importantly, JP was also lying to himself. And in the process, JP was also losing himself, his identity, and his integrity.

 

The examples of JP lying to Sarah, to Spike, and to himself are just more examples of the tragedy of secrets. Because the reality of secrets is that “a secret’s just a lie with a different name,” and JP was increasingly living that lie.

 

Through this whole period of keeping Craig’s secret, JP has become a shell of who he used to be — and of who he could become — if only there were no secrets.
—————————————————–
We all know that Craig Dean has a secret, and up till now, it doesn’t appear that he’s going to reveal that secret, on his own, any time soon. Craig’s absolute need for secrecy, in terms of his feelings toward JP, has a stranglehold over him — the strength and persistence, of which, there was nothing comparable in terms of JP’s reluctance to reveal himself.

 

Before Craig started realizing his feelings toward JP, I think that Craig’s relationship with Sarah was a genuine one (no secrets). It was genuine, at least at the level it was taking place on.

 

Craig and Sarah’s relationship, even at its best, seemed a rather shallow relationship. Neither one of them had much self-awareness of themselves or or one another — therefore neither one of them could tap into each others deepest needs.

 

But once Craig’s true feelings toward JP emerged, with the catalyst for expressing his pent up feelings toward JP being Craig’s jealousy over JP’s relationship with Spike, Craig was inexorably heading toward an eventual expression of those feelings. And that expression, as everyone knows, finally took place in the “I thought you loved me” ep, after Craig uncontrollably left his exam to find out if, in fact, JP still did love Craig.

 

And, as we all also know, JP’s reaffirmation, and Craig’s eventual admission, of their mutual love for each other was based on the initial intimacy and trust of a friendship built on the solid foundation of Craig absolutely trusting John Paul with the most intimate parts of his life, and of John Paul being able to give Craig not only a feeling of being loved, but, as importantly, of feeling emotionally secure.

 

For JP, as we have seen, the price to be in a relationship with Craig was secrecy. It was Craig’s secret, however, but now it was also JP’s.

 

The fallout of Craig’s secret would be felt most directly and consistently, ironically, on JP. But Craig’s girlfriend Sarah would also continually experience the effects of Craig’s secret both directly and indirectly — although she was shielded, somewhat, by the fact that Sarah, unlike JP, had no direct knowledge of Craig’s secret. But the person who would suffer most of all, as a result of keeping a secret, would be Craig himself.

 

Even before the real start of Craig’s and JP’s relationship — the dance-off kiss between Craig and JP would be an omen of things to come, in terms of Craig’s propensity to be secretive or to actually lie. A kiss, initiated by a drunken Craig, would be blamed on JP, as Craig stood by silently. And then, later, JP would become a casualty of a beating by Craig — in order to show the world that Craig didn’t have those kinds of feelings toward his best mate, in order to keep hidden precisely those feelings.

 

And Craig felt compelled to lie to Sarah that it was JP who initiated the kiss — all this to further reinforce the secret of Craig’s real feelings.

 

A reconciliation followed that incident — to be followed by extreme amounts of jealousy toward JP’s first boyfriend Spike — jealousy masking, again, Craig’s secret feelings toward JP.

 

From then on it was a perpetual roller coaster — the first sexual encounter with JP — with the touching and poignant “I thought you loved me,” “I want you” quotes, the passionate kissing , the bedroom scene, followed by Craig’s use of the “f” word ( another hurtful example of the “pain and damage that can be caused through hiding the truth”).

 

The day after Craig had his first intimate encounter with JP, Craig then went on to verbally and physically threaten Sarah.

 

The threats to JP and Sarah, not surprisingly, were the result of Craig’s self-loathing — his inability to deal with the reality that he was falling in love (both sexually and emotionally) with his best male friend.

 

After a series of continuing denials, insensitivity, etc., on the part of Craig toward JP, finally, Craig was forced to admit the obvious. The “I love you” encounter took place in a manner where Craig seemed to have his most real breakthrough in terms of a lessened self-centeredness, a lessened fear of hiding his secret — a breakthrough that really showed the possibility that Craig could really care about and for JP. Enough of a breakthrough to lead JP to say to Craig, now back again, however, in his self-centered, hurtful, and protective stage toward JP, ” I know you care about me as much as I care about you.”

 

Craig followed up on his breakthrough, in his usual erratic way, by declarations of “I meant every word that I said to you,” sweet episodes of loving glances, and tender handholding — important breakthroughs definitely this time, drawing Craig and JP into an even deeper intimacy, but still in the context of a very confused vacillation.

 

During the period after Craig’s “I love you,” Craig promised JP, over and over again, that he would end his relationship with Sarah. And over and over again, Craig broke his promise to JP. While it’s true that JP was putting pressure on Craig to end it with Sarah — perhaps being insensitive to how difficult it was for Craig to deal with the realization that he was in love with a guy — Craig, nonetheless, made these promises. And even with these broken declarations by Craig, it was JP who let Craig off the hook, when JP didn’t want to put any more pressure on Sarah, when she was having a go at it with her father over her modeling career. And if Craig couldn’t or wouldn’t keep his promise, JP was willing (at least then) to end the relationship.

 

Take your pick as to which words seem most appropriate to Craig’s actions. Was Craig lying to JP, or was it Craig’s incessant need to keep his relationship with JP a secret at work here? Either way it was causing pain and damage to JP.

 

And, of course, pain and damage was being inflicted on Sarah, who was totally in the dark that Craig, in reality, did want to end it with Sarah, but couldn’t, because he needed her as a signal to the world that Craig Dean is straight, he’s not gay.

 

And when Craig, finally, and for the umpteenth time, promised JP that this time he meant it, what does Craig do when Sarah makes it easy for Craig, by breaking off their relationship — Craig panics, and persuades Sarah to stay in a relationship with Craig, and slip away to Zante to renew this relationship.

 

Of course, JP was left at the altar (or, in this case, left behind, when Craig made a desperate getaway, to avoid facing the person who loved him most of any person in the world), humiliated, hurt, but perhaps not confused, at the actions of a most insecure young man. The humiliation that JP felt was enough for him, however, to strike back at Craig in the most extreme way, by writing a letter to Craig’s mom — the letter, of course, whose content is the basis of this post.

 

In this letter, JP answers the question that he posed, “Who am I?,” by revealing that he is “the boy that’s sleeping with your son. I love Craig which is why I can forgive him for hurting Sarah, and I’m pretty certain he loves me too. I’m sorry that this is how you had to hear about me, that your precious son hasn’t got the guts to tell you himself, that he’s part of a world you wish didn’t exist….” Luckily, for JP as well as Craig, JP’s lapse in judgement, in this instance, was only momentary. Spike and JP were able to retrieve the letter, unopened, and without harm.

 

Upon Craig’s return from Zante, JP’s resolution to end it with Craig gave way to irresolution, because, in spite of all the hurt and pain caused by Craig, JP loved Craig, and JP knew that Craig loved JP. And, in fact, JP’s irresolution was even rewarded, in private, by a more loving, more playful, more caring Craig. But the public Craig, the ever fearful, ever vigilant, ever scared public Craig, as of this moment, holds sway over the private Craig.

 

So because JP was becoming so used to the phenomena of private bliss, and public humiliation, it probably won’t really come as that much of a shock for JP to find out that Craig proposed to Sarah, when Sarah came close to finding out the true nature of Craig’s and JP’s relationship. After all, Craig said nothing, although the look on his face said all, when JP came to his defense and said that Craig did, indeed, love Sarah.

 

Not surprisingly, the tragedy of secrets wreaked the most devastating results of all on Craig. He was the person who thought hiding the truth about his feelings toward JP, and maintaining the charade of a relationship with Sarah, were the best ways to avoid the stigma of being perceived as gay — a stigma that, for Craig, held open the probability of the most dire consequences.

 

So Craig’s seemingly irresolvable dilemma was that his heart was pulling him more closely toward John Paul every day, every moment. But his punishing conscience, and all his internalized fears and anxieties, were pushing Craig in exactly the other direction. Thus, for Craig, the only way out of this dilemma was to keep his relationship with John Paul a secret.

 

But as we already know, and as we shall see, Craig’s solution will be, again, a non-solution. What Craig is going through right now has to be, at least, as bad as the consequences of revealing his secret, and probably far worse. But at this moment, Craig still doesn’t realize this.

 

And just one last thing about the humiliation, lies, and secrets that Sarah was made to endure — most came from a scared, insecure, self-loathing Craig, but he had an accomplice — however reluctant — and his name is John Paul. They both played their respective roles in making Sarah another casualty of a secret whose impact, even now, will lead to further fallout and further casualties.

 

We have yet to see the look of disappointment, the betrayal, in the eyes of a long list of casualties when Craig’s, and now John Paul’s, secret finally comes out.

 

——————————————–
Epilogue:

 

“That’s the thing about secrets. Once out they can change everything just like that.” Sometimes for the better; sometimes not. But that’s the risk you have to take if you really want to be human.